4/28/15
The sharp tread of footsteps quickly approached behind me. I knew what they were without having to look. Until a week ago they could have been mine. My heart contrived to race, but I took a breath and willed it to relax. I wasn’t going to relapse. Although I couldn’t discard my livelihood I didn’t have to practice it the way I had before.
I moved to the edge of the sidewalk and let the two conspiring businessmen hurry past. They were cutting through the park to reach the commuter train station quicker. I, on the other hand, was just ambling slowly so the quitting-time-rush could clear out. Once you get caught up in a bustling crowd its adrenaline is contagious.
To my left was the small lake which formed the centerpiece of this downtown park. A smile spread across my face as a flock of ducks jabbered and scrabbled over each other for a handful of thrown bread crumbs. They weren’t much different from the denizens of the surrounding office towers. Get what you can before another one does.
The sound of my name being called pulled me from my musing. Behind me was Lee’s Lakeside Cafe, and sitting at one of the patio tables was my friend Dwight. I waved to him then walked over. Seeing he was having his dinner I didn’t want to stay, I thought to just greet him then be on my way. But he insisted he was already finished and urged me to join him. As I sat down a waiter hurried over and asked if I’d like to order something, but I just shook my head.
“I’d like a scotch on the rocks,” said Dwight to the waiter. “One for you too?” he then asked me. Again I shook my head. “Ah, c’mon. Well then, how about a Martini? A beer?”
“No, thank you. Just a glass of water,” I said speaking at last.
After the waiter left Dwight turned to me with a puzzled look. “What’s happened to you?”
I figured the best way to break it was to be direct. So I inhaled deeply, held it a moment, then blurted my news. “I died!”
He looked like a kaleidoscope of emotions as various expressions raced across his face — first shock, then puzzlement, and at last a big smile.
“Oh, you’re just pulling my leg. So what really …”
“No, really,” I interrupted him. “I had a heart attack last week and was dead a while.”
“Oh, oh, I get it now. You mean just temporarily. Then someone revived you.”
“Well, sort of. But there’s more to it than that.”
The return of the waiter gave me a chance to pause and organize my thoughts. I hadn’t yet told anyone about what I’d experienced and I wasn’t sure where to begin. Everything had been so strange I was still processing it. Perhaps speaking of it would help me piece things together.
I had been in my office and had just set in play the final gambits to achieve what I felt would soon be called the deal of the century, when everything went dark. I awoke to a shimmering being in a hooded robe prodding me with the point of his sword. I couldn’t tell at first if it was a man or a woman or even if it was human. Jumping up to get away from the jabbing sword I saw my body still on the floor. Only my spirit had stood.
Beckoning with his unarmed hand the being said, “Come with me.” The voice seemed somewhat masculine, though it was still indefinite.
“Who are you?” I squeaked out.
“Your guide.”
“Am I dead?”
The being didn’t answer, he just stretched out a hand and touched me. Instantly the surroundings changed. We were in a dark stone corridor with rough-hewn wooden doors spaced along each side. A chilly draft made me shiver while the damp stench of mildew clenched my sinuses. I had the distinct impression of a dungeon. Had I been that bad?
“Which do you choose?” the guide asked.
“What’s in them?” I inquired.
“Various aspects of your life.”
“Well, that’s not too bad then. Is it?”
He smirked, and I didn’t like what that implied.
“Then let’s look in this first one,” I said.
He opened the door and I peered in. It was a large chamber filled with people who were all holding what looked like torture devices. Pinchers, pokers, cutters, tongs, hot irons, and other hurtful things I couldn’t identify. Looking to where I was standing they began to grin, some even laughed hideously. I was then struck with recognition. These were people I’d done business with in the past. Surely they couldn’t still be upset that I’d gotten the best of them. I distinctly felt this room was not conducive to my well-being so I asked the guide to show me the next one instead. He pulled the door shut and we moved down the hallway.
The next door was opened and inside was, yaar-rgh, my ex-wife! I shrieked, grabbed the handle and slammed the door shut. Catching my breath I nodded toward the third door.
“What’s in there?” I asked.
“Your mother.”
“Oh, that shouldn’t be too bad. I haven’t seen her since …”
The guide opened the door and my words were cut short.
“So, you’ve come at last. How many times have I told you it’s rude to keep people waiting? Well, now that you’re here I have some chores for you. I promised the lady next door I’d send you over once you arrived. She’s frail and needs someone strong but doesn’t have a son of her own, so I told her you’d be glad to help. Her toilet is backed up and needs to be cleared. Then her chihuahuas need to be walked. After you’re done there I need you to take me shopping. I haven’t been out in ages so I have a long list of places to go. Oh, and another thing …”
I quietly pulled the door shut and slid the bolt. A host of old memories had just arisen. I could see how the rest of the rooms would be, so I asked the guide if there was a different option available.
“Like what?” he asked.
“I don’t know, maybe a bar. Someplace I can get a drink and listen to some music.”
He nodded, so I reached out and touched his sleeve. Immediately our surroundings changed. Now this was more like it, a nice nightclub. A dim room illuminated only by humming neon signs, with the sharp scent of alcohol and clouds of smoke to make your eyes water. But it didn’t take long to notice things weren’t right.
The music jarred my nerves from the moment I walked in. The playing was the wrong tempo and the singing constantly drifted off key. It was painful to hear. What was worse, it was my favorite song they were mutilating! That had been a classic, but now I’d never be able to listen to it again.
I shut my ears to the din as best I could and stepped over to the bar. While waiting for the bartender I sized up the other patrons. Shock paralyzed my sensibilities momentarily. I saw that as the people drank, every sip behaved like acid going down their throats. It didn’t matter what the drink was, all had the same effect. With each swallow, part of their body would slowly dissolve or burn away. Some people were only half there and were quite see-through, yet they kept drinking. One fellow, I couldn’t see how he was managing it; he had only one hand and half a skull left.
I asked my guide what would happen once they totally dissolved. He answered that then the person would be “gone completely.” That sounded so obvious and redundant I assumed it meant more.
“What happens then?”
“It means they cease to have any presence or being in any world or reality. Eternal non-existence.”
Realization took my breath as it burst in. This was why so many people feared death. Even perpetual torment in some type of hell was preferable to not existing at all. I swallowed my heart back into place then pushed away from the bar. “Let’s get out of here.”
I touched his sleeve and we were surrounded by a thick, swirling mist. It was like standing in heavy fog. When it didn’t resolve into any form, I asked where we were. He said, “Nowhere.”
“Is there any way I can go home?”
“Are you sure you want to?”
“What? Why do you say it like that?”
“Let me show you. You’ll be able to look, but the people there won’t see or hear you.”
The air cleared and I was in my company’s board room. Most of my colleagues were there and even a few of my fiercest competitors. They were laughing, shaking hands, and congratulating each other.
“Isn’t it great,” said one of them.
“For sure. Too bad it didn’t happen sooner,” replied another.
I caught on quickly what they meant. With clenched fists I told the guide to get me out of there. I didn’t care what those jerks thought anyway. The scene shifted and I was in my own house watching my wife and daughter having dinner.
“Oh, Alexis, this is delicious!”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“I appreciate that you’ve taken over the cooking.”
“I know I need to help more since it’s just the two of us.”
“I have good news. I’ve been able to take on a lot more clients now that I don’t have to limit myself to less than your father made.”
“That’s great. I always knew you could do better if you tried.”
“But you do miss him, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Sometimes. But I don’t miss that stupid joke about my name.”
“That was just his way of showing affection. He teased me a lot too, you know.”
“Yeah. But his jokes were often mean.”
“Well, let’s just remember the good times.”
“What good times?!”
They both broke into laughter.
I touched my guide’s sleeve so I wouldn’t have to hear any more. Once we were hidden in the cloud again I faced him. “They’re all happier now, aren’t they?”
“Their reactions are based on how your life affected theirs.”
“I didn’t think I was being mean. And I didn’t know my wife was restricting her career or that my daughter likes to cook.”
“Did you ever ask?”
“Is it possible to go back and make things right?”
“Would you choose to go back even knowing they’re better off without you?”
“What if I changed? Couldn’t that work?”
“If you changed enough, yes, they’d be happy. But then would you be?”
That hit me like a ton of bricks. Was my happiness and that of my family and friends mutually exclusive? I thought of all the times I’d laughed at the ‘nice guys’ and called them stupid. I’d even worked to make them get the worst of things. Did I now want to become one of them?
Torn between conflicting desires I asked, “Isn’t there anything you can show me to help me decide?”
“Haven’t you seen enough already?”
“Well, I, uh.”
The cloud lifted and I was surrounded and being jostled by a huge herd of pigs. They were shoving, grunting, and snapping their teeth as they fed on dozens of large mounds of corn. But though there was plenty of food for them all, they kept fighting over who would get which piece. One would take a big cob in his mouth, then another one would start squealing and spit out the one it already had to fight the first pig for his.
Their antics were so absurd I nearly collapsed with laughter. Still, I didn’t understand why I’d been brought here. As I continued to watch I saw that the ones who pushed the hardest and ate the most were growing much bigger than the rest.
Just then a truck pulled up with the word ‘slaughterhouse’ on the side. A man got out and began grabbing the fattest of the pigs and throwing them in the back of his truck. I laughed aloud again as I realized that the ones who had been the greediest had merely hastened their own end. Then quick as a thunderclap I stopped laughing. I knew why this had been shown.
“Yes. I’d like to go home again, if I may,” I said to the guide.
He nodded and the cloud lowered around us. It grew steadily darker until there was total blackness. As I strained for even the faintest trace of light I blinked hard then opened my eyes again. I became aware I was lying on my office floor. Getting up and checking I found it was the same day and same time as when I first left. Ever since then I’ve been a changed man.
“That’s quite a story,” chuckled Dwight. “Perhaps you can write it out and make a children’s book.”
“Oh, I see. You don’t believe it really happened,” I said.
“You just passed out and had a dream. Or maybe it was a heart attack like you said, but you came out of it on your own. No need to let it affect your outlook on life though.”
“Good-bye, Dwight.” I stood up from the table. “Do me a favor, will you? Once you finish here, walk down to the lake and watch those ducks a while. Maybe they’ll help you understand.”
I turned and hurried away knowing the crowds would be gone from the train station. I then called my wife and let her know I’d be taking her and Alexis out for dinner.
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