1/22/13
“Well, howdy there, Miss. Welcome to the neighborhood. My name’s Tex. What’s yours?”
“Allo, Monsieur; — uh, Sir. My name is Claudine. I’m sorry; but I seem to be a bit confused about where I am.”
“Shoot! You don’t know where you are?! How is that?”
“I think I may have amnesia. I can’t remember any further back than a couple of weeks. And even that seems like a dream. The earliest I can remember is going through some kind of factory, I don’t know why; when I was grabbed and stuffed in a box. After traveling for some time, I was taken out and found myself in a market. Before long I was picked up and taken to a doctor or something because I was examined very thoroughly; every part of me. Then at last I was brought here and found myself next to you. Oh, Monsieur Tex; it’s so frightening not to know. –”
“Whoo-ie! That’s a terrible situation, all right. But I sure do envy that doctor! If you’ll pardon me for being so forward.”
Claudine blushed, but before she could respond a second masculine voice interrupted, “Hold on just a minute. I’m the detective here; this is my racquet now.” The voice then shifted into an effected tone. “I knew as soon as you came through the door there’d be trouble. There’s a look about you — beautiful, but deadly.”
“Excusez-moi! I do not think you have any cause to speak of me so rudely. I don’t even know you.”
Just then a second female voice joined in, “Oh, don’t mind him, honey. He doesn’t know how to talk to a lady. He’s a misogynist. I’m Miriam, by the way.”
“You didn’t let me finish,” the effected voice continued. “My name is Marlowe. You’ve already met Tex, from out West; and Miriam. There are several others here you’ll meet soon. As for you, Claudine, I deduce from your appearance that you’re in the Romance line of work.”
“I beg your pardon! It is not a line of work! I resent the implication of that!”
“Marlowe! Cease and desist!” called Miriam. “It’s OK, Claudine. He’s been insufferable ever since his colleague, Sherlock, went out on ‘The Case of the Loaned Book’ and never returned. Come; let me introduce you to another friend. We girls have to stick together.” Calling loudly, “Betty! Hey, Betty; are you there?”
“Yes. But hold on a minute while I take a pie out of the oven.”
Miriam spoke softly to Claudine, “Betty’s big on cooking.”
“Hello, Claudine,” said Betty at last. “I’ve already heard there was a newcomer to the neighborhood.”
“It is my pleasure to meet you, Miss Betty.”
“I see you’ve caught Tex’s eye. That’s a surprise. I didn’t know he liked girls.”
“Hush, Betty!” jumped in Miriam. “Don’t listen to her, Claudine. She’s just jealous because Tex hasn’t shown any interest in her!” Then with amusement, “So she’s had to turn her sights to Marlowe.”
“I have not!”
“Really?! Then who is that pie for? Hmm?”
Marlowe spoke up at hearing his name, “No, thank you! Let a dame get too close, and she’ll poison you if you don’t pay attention.”
Miriam continued with Claudine, “You see, the selection around here is rather limited. The only other man besides Tex and Marlowe is one who probably wouldn’t be your type. It’s Father Goodbook from the upper ledge.”
“Who?” asked Claudine.
Just then a thundering voice came rolling down, “Did someone call on me?”
“No sir, Father,” called back Miriam. “We were just introducing a new girl.”
“I see,” said Goodbook. “Greetings to you, young lady. You’re welcome here among us. But would you mind adjusting your jacket, please? Your bodice is showing; and it appears to be ripped! If I may say so.”
Hurrying to cover herself and blushing, Claudine replied, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. It was … — There was this, um, swashbuckler. — I don’t remember where; maybe in the market. Oh, it’s all a blur. He was so strong, and forceful. I couldn’t prevent him. –”
Tex came to her rescue, “Now hold on there, Goodbook. There ain’t no call to shame a newcomer just as she’s getting acquainted. The rest of us are used to you pushing into people’s private affairs, … uh, I mean, personal business. But you ought to give new folks time to get to know you first. Then they’ll better understand your good intentions.”
“Are you proposing to protect this young lady,” asked Goodbook.
“Well, I reckon.”
“Will you love, honor, and cherish her as long as you both shall live?”
“Yes.”
“And you, Claudine. Will you take this man?”
She responded with shock, “Allo! Wait a minute! This sounds like –”
Miriam called out to her, “Go for it, Claudine! Seize the day!”
Claudine stammered, “I — I don’t know. He is handsome and virile. And very enthusiastic! But this is so sudden.”
Miriam continued reassuring her, “Be impetuous! It’ll be romantic. Besides, what’s the alternative?”
Tex now joined in, “I’d sure be honored to hitch up with a beautiful filly like you!”
“Oh stop,” said Claudine smiling. “Certainly your emotions are strong! And your passion, — it is so large! Straining to burst! Alas, I cannot resist such fervor. Yes. Yes, I’ll take you. Yes, yes, YES!”
Goodbook’s voice boomed again, “Good! Now I’ll thank you two to take the rest of this story back between the covers.” Then to himself, “A fair day’s work. Now back to my nap.”
Before anyone could offer their congratulations, Marlowe barked, “Look out! Here comes the Reader.” Then more quietly, “He’s bringing a new addition. And it looks like some sort of pirate or buccaneer.”
“Avast there, unhand me, ye scurvy dog!” came a gravelly voice from the other side of the room. “Hey! Can’t ye hear me?! I said put me down, ye landlubber!”
As he drew nearer Miriam called out, “Ahoy, sailor. There’s a place for seamen over here!”
Betty whispered harshly, “What are you doing?!”
Miriam whispered back, “Get a clue, girl. Didn’t you learn anything from how Tex responded to us and then to Claudine? There’s only one way to get their attention.”
As the newcomer drew up beside Miriam he said, “Well, me pretty. Any port in a storm; as they say.”
“I’m Miriam; Miriam Webster. And you are?”
“Arr, I goes by Flynn. Say, ye wouldn’t happen to have seen a French lass about, would ye? I heard she may have sailed this way.”
“You must be Claudine’s swashbuckler. I thought so.”
“Yar. Claudine; that be her.”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to forget her. She’s no longer available. But I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding a new conquest.” Then with mock surprise, “Oh! Is that a pistol in your pocket? It’s so big!
“Aye; it sure is,” he said drawing out his firearm. “Ain’t she a beaut?”
“Ooh, yes! Say, I know how to polish a gun; if you’d like me to show you.”
“Yar! I’ll bet ye do, Lassie!”
“Come with me. We’ll go in the back.”
“Oh, that we will, Darlin’; that we will!”
Nearby, Betty muttered to herself, “Well! I never. Utterly scandalous.”
Just then Marlowe called out again, “Look! The Reader’s coming back again. And he’s got two more.”
Moments later Betty was heard talking to someone. “Hello, Sir. You’re new around here, aren’t you?”
“Yes. Yes, I am,” said an unfamiliar voice. “But I’m a little confused about how I got here. I’m Homer Fixit, by the way,” he said, extending his hand toward her.
Taking his hand she said, “Pleased to meet you. I’m Betty Crocker. Perhaps I can help you get your bearings.”
“That would be great!”
“And a handyman will be quite useful to have around, — uh, have in the neighborhood, I mean,” she said blushing. “By the way, do you like cherry pie?”
“Well, um, yes. Who doesn’t?”
“Oh, good. Come on in then,” she said taking him by the arm. Then in a softer voice, “And I have some drawers that need loosening. Perhaps you would have a look.”
Suddenly a short distance away Marlowe was heard crying out, “Holmes! You’re back!” He could barely contain his emotion, “Gracious! Where have you been? Here, here; come in. Your old place is still waiting for you. You must tell me all about it. And you won’t believe all that’s been happening here! Take a seat. You’ll find your pipe right where you left it.”
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