12/11/13
I had gone to the Twin Peaks Mall to get an early start on my Christmas shopping. I chose the Monday before Thanksgiving so I wouldn’t have to deal with the crowds on Black Friday and after. I entered through a side door and was just reaching the main concourse when I heard a scream. Turning quickly I saw a teenaged girl run past being chased by a zombie close behind her.
My first instinct was to run back out of the mall but I was frozen by the thought that it was impossible. This can’t happen in real life! The lady in the kiosk beside me must have seen my distress because she called out to me that it was okay.
“Don’t be alarmed, sir,” she said. “It’s just the kids playing.” Seeing that I still wasn’t understanding she went on. “It’s their high school play. They had planned to do a Halloween show at their football stadium but the weather caused them to postpone it. After that they wanted to have it indoors instead, so they rescheduled it for here. A lot of the stores are playing along for the day.”
“How fun,” I said, trying to smile. But I’d been startled too deeply to look convincing.
As I started down the main hallway I again saw the girl who had screamed and her zombie friend. Only now she was licking a green ice cream cone while he had his arm across her shoulders. He leaned in to whisper something and she let out another loud scream. They then walked away laughing over their shared secret.
Hearing amplified talking and some sort of commotion I strolled to the center atrium area and saw the continuation of their show. Most of the high school students were made up to look like zombies and they were performing some kind of doomsday comedy play. I didn’t get the message of it, but their acting wasn’t too bad. Plus, they seemed to be having a good time.
Eavesdropping on what I took to be a couple of mothers there to watch their kids perform, I gathered there had already been a couple of zombie themed songs before I arrived. The emcee then announced that a fashion show would be starting momentarily. I decided to stay and watch a little while. Maybe I could get a few ideas for gifts.
“Our first zombie is wearing pre-ripped jeans from Sally’s Boutique,” proclaimed the emcee. You’ve got to be kidding me, I said to myself. I thought they meant a real fashion show. “This year’s well-dressed zombie can find her designer tops at Allbutcrummy & Flinch. But only if she’s physically fit. Plus sizes are available at Tar-Zhay.” I’d seen enough so I moved on.
I went into the Toy Mart to browse for something for my young son. Here too they were set up to capitalize on the day’s theme. I bought the monster make up kit that was on special and a Living Dead video game, then continued down the mall.
I was thinking I had run out of luck. I’d already been there more than an hour but still had no idea what to get my wife. Then as I passed the Finer Diner cutlery shop I saw a sign which read, “Zombie Special: Today Only. All Sterling Silver 50% off.” This looked promising so I went in. I smiled to myself as it occurred to me they were confusing zombies with werewolves.
They had a lot of small knickknacks and figurines, plus a few larger items like serving trays and tureens. But what most attracted my attention was the silverware set, complete settings for eight places. It even came in a velvet-lined, polished wood box with compartments for each type of utensil. This would go great with the new dining room table my wife bought last summer.
This was more than I’d normally spend on a gift; but I didn’t want to miss the chance to get something so valuable at half its regular cost. Besides, my wife had been nicer than usual lately; so why not?
I told the clerk what I wanted and she brought an unopened set from the storeroom. As she began ringing it up I asked if they do gift wrapping, and she said that was available for a small charge.
Then she stopped and looked at me, and said, “You realize, don’t you, that before I can give you the 50% discount you need to say the words?”
“What words?”
“You know, the words.”
“Please?”
“No, silly. The words on the bottom of the sign. The sign out front. Didn’t you read the fine print?”
I shook my head. “Do I really need to go back out and look at it?”
“Only if you want the discount.”
As I turned and headed to the front door she came out from behind the counter and followed me. She was right. At the bottom of the sign in very small writing was the sales condition. “To receive the 50% discount, customer must stand in front of the store and call loudly down the hallway, ‘I love zombies.'”
I laughed out loud. But the sales clerk kept looking at me expectantly. “You’re serious?!” I asked. She nodded. “Why? What’s the point of that?”
“It’s to help the school. My daughter goes there. So our shop agreed to participate.”
Still I hesitated. I didn’t see how doing this could benefit them. What’s more, the concourse was crowded and this would be embarrassing. Really embarrassing. But half price is a pretty big discount. And my wife is worth it. I took a quick look around. It seemed no one was paying attention this direction. So I spoke in a moderate voice, “I love zombies.”
“Oh, no no no,” the sales lady said playfully. “That’s not nearly loud enough. Not even the people right over there heard you. Try it again, and this time say it so that everyone can hear.” Seeing me look like I was about to leave she added, “Do it for the children. They’ll love it!”
Again I braced myself, inhaled deeply, and yelled loudly. “I LOVE ZOMBIES!!” This time they heard me all the way to the atrium.
The next thing I saw was a horde of zombies coming my way. More than a dozen high schoolers in costume were quickly coming down the hallway. They were hamming it up for the crowd; holding their arms out in front, walking with an effected shuffle, and calling, “Brains! Brains!”
I looked to the sales lady and knew instantly by her grin that this was pre-arranged. The kids had been waiting for some customer to give the cue. Before I could ask her what would happen next the zombie horde arrived and grabbed my arms. They then led me back to the atrium and seated me on a throne which had just been brought out.
The emcee announced, “Behold! The King of the Zombies!” The crowd began applauding. This was followed by a loud trumpet blast. Approaching from behind was the high school marching band, all of them made up like zombies, and playing an arrangement of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Dancing around them were the cheerleaders, also made up like zombies and performing a robot-like routine. The band and cheerleaders continued to march and dance through the atrium and around the throne until they finished their song. Once they were done the audience cheered enthusiastically. At last, as the band moved away I was finally allowed to get up from the throne and go on my way. I received a lot of smiles and congratulations as I made my way back to the cutlery store.
“You could have warned me,” I said to the sales lady with my best annoyed voice.
“But your surprised look was priceless; it really tickled the children.” Noticing I was yet a bit miffed she added, “Tell you what; I’ll do the gift wrapping for free.”
I looked at my bag of toy purchases still lying on the counter next to the silverware set, then said, “And you can do those too.” She smiled and nodded.
As I waited for her to finish I thought back to when I first entered the mall two hours earlier. I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassment if I had followed my initial instinct to run.
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