9/22/14
“Hello. Thank you for calling United Electric.”
“Hi. I have a question about my bill. Could you …”
“If you need to start new service with us, since we’re the only utility in town, press one. If you need a repair and wish to be added to our month-long waiting list, press two. If you disagree with a charge on your bill and really think we’ll remove it, press three.”
[BEEP] “Man. I hate these stupid phone recordings.”
“You have reached the billing department. To make a payment by phone so you can stop us from shutting off your power, press one. To hear your current outstanding balance, inclusive of today’s late fees and service charges, press two. To contest a charge on your statement, press three. To speak to …”
[BEEP] “No, wait. Did you say speak to a real person? Wait!”
“If you wish to try getting a charge reversed, please enter your twelve-digit account number. To return to the previous menu, press zero.”
[BEEP] “Now maybe we’re getting somewhere.”
“I’m sorry. I did not understand your response. Please try again.”
[BEE-EE-EP]
“You have returned to the billing department. To …”
[BEEP] “Let me try it without waiting.”
“We’re sorry. All of our representatives are assisting other customers. If you think you can actually get through later during our non-peak hours, press one. If you would like us to call you back whenever we feel like it, please enter your phone number and one of our overseas representatives will call you back between the hours of 1:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.”
[SLAM] “Bah! Stupid phone. And stupid electric company.”
[RING-RING] “Hello?”
“We’re sorry, your call was disconnected. If you would like to receive a call back from our overseas representative, please enter your phone number now. Otherwise remain on the line and our next available representative will be with you in approximately — seven hours and thirty-two minutes. Please enjoy our music selections while you wait, and remember, our customers are important to us.”
“No-o-o-o-o!!”
COPYRIGHT PROTECTED
