3/19/17
PAUL’S TWISTED VERSES
a light-hearted romp through the Paul-ine forest
(Ep 5:4, “There should be no obscenity, foolish talk, or coarse joking.”)
The Apostle Paul was sitting at home one day, enjoying a bit of quiet time with God, when his wife called out and broke his reverie.
“Paul!”, she bellowed. “What are you doing? Why are you just sitting around? You need to go out and get some work. I want a newer house; the wife of a famous apostle can’t be seen living in this old dump. You don’t see the Apostle Peter making his wife live like this, do you? And look at these rags you’re making me wear; they’re last year’s fashion. Do you expect me to go around out of style? Everyone knows you’re famous now. We have an image to maintain. And another thing …”
Before she could finish Paul was up and heading toward the door, saying, “I’m out of here! Everyday it’s the same thing. Nag, nag, nag! I’m going on a trip; a long trip. And when I get back I don’t want to hear any more about keeping up with the Cephases.”
However, once Paul returned from his first journey around the Mediterranean he found that his time away hadn’t changed things for the better; his wife was now worse than ever. So he resorted to asking God for help. He prayed, “Oh Lord, remove from me this ‘thorn in the flesh’!”
God answered, “What thorn in the flesh?”
“My wife, of course.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“Well, she nags me too much, for one thing; and for another, she’s getting old and fat.”
“Paul, you’re getting older and fatter too.”
Paul getting a bit flustered continued, “Be that as it may; I want you to put her to sleep. I’m asking this as a big favor, for your special apostle. Just this once. Please!!”
God relented and said, “OK, Paul. It’s done. Go home and bury her.”
Unfortunately, Paul’s happiness was short-lived. For he soon found himself feeling lonely. He began taking more and more notice of the young ladies that were coming to hear him preach. It then wasn’t long before he found himself married again; to wife #2. She was young and pretty, and gave Paul lots of attention. This was good at first. But like all good things that you get too much of, it soon began to wear on Paul. One evening Paul said, “I’m going out for awhile.”
To which his wife responded, “Where are you going?”
He said, I’m going out to preach, of course; just like I do every night.”
She answered, “That’s the problem: you’re gone every night. You never stay home with just me anymore.”
He said, “Well you knew this was my line of work when we met. Besides, why do you have to be so ‘clingy’?”
She said, “I don’t like for you to always go out preaching. I see the way the women look at you while you preach, and the way they come up to compliment you afterwards…”
Under his breath Paul said, “Like you did.”
She went on, “And I’ve noticed that you like it. I want you to quit preaching. Why don’t you find some other line of work? Like, ohh … tent making, or something.” But when she saw the expression on Paul’s face she backed off a little, “Well, at least promise me you’ll think about it?”
Paul answered, “That’s it! I’m out of here! … Again!”
Before he got to the door she asked, “What does that mean?”
He answered, “I’m going to take a long trip. I think some time apart will be good for you … uh, for us. While I’m away you can learn to not be so possessive and demanding.” Then closing the door Paul muttered, “And I can have some space … away from you!”
However, once Paul returned from his second journey around the Mediterranean he found that his second wife, being the type that is insecure and needs constant attention, had entered a relationship with a young man her own age; and well, things had gone the way they always do. Paul was furious; the young man disappeared from town; and his wife began crying.
“It’s all your fault!” she said. “You knew I needed you, but you took off and left me all alone. And you were gone for so long. And he was so friendly and always there when I needed to talk. And … and … Well, it was just your fault!”
Paul stormed out of the house and went to the wilderness. “Oh Lord, remove from me this ‘thorn in the flesh’! Please free me from this affliction.”
God answered, “What affliction? What do you want?” “
Lord, please free me from this … this … Ohh, you know what she did. Can’t you just put her to sleep?”
“But Paul, you said before that it was just a “one time favor”; and now you’re asking for it again. How about just a quiet divorce? Moses allowed that, you know.”(1)
“No! How would that look for a ‘man of God’? If I were to divorce, people would look at me with scorn; but if I were to be widowed they would look at me with sympathy. It’s different; that’s all. Besides quite a few people already know what she did. As word gets around they’ll lose respect for me.”
God with resignation said, “OK. It’s done; she’s gone now. So is that wayward young man. Perhaps people will take a lesson from this about marital fidelity. And as far as that goes, Paul, you can take a lesson as well. Perhaps it’s best if you don’t think about marriage anymore.” Paul took out his note pad and wrote down, “It’s best not to marry.”(2)
Seeing this, God said, “Paul, that message isn’t for everyone; it’s for you! It’s best if you don’t look to marry again.”
Paul continued writing in his note pad, “This isn’t for everyone.” Paul then asked God, “So would it be a sin if I married again?”
God answered, “No, it wouldn’t be a sin. It’s just better for you if you don’t.”
Paul wrote in his note pad once more.
Unfortunately, Paul’s happiness was short-lived. For even though he had been “freed” once again, it wasn’t long before he was finding himself lonely; particularly on those long, cold nights when he would just lay awake thinking. So once again the young ladies in the congregation came to his attention. At last his eyes lit on a classy looking lady with a self-confident demeanor.
Paul thought to himself that this one could actually work out. She was young and beautiful, not like his first wife; she was self-assured and independent, unlike his second wife. Yes! This one would be a pleasure to be with when he was home, and wouldn’t fall to pieces when he wasn’t. So before long Paul was married again; now to wife #3.
Some time later Paul was sitting at home, enjoying a bit of quiet time with God, when his wife called out and broke his reverie. “Paul!”, she snarled. “What are you doing? Why are you just sitting around? I’ve told you already you need to bring in more money. I can’t run a proper household on just the pittance you’ve been making. Why don’t you ask those churches of yours to give you more money?”
Paul answered, “And I’ve told you already — I don’t want to take money from my churches.(3) I don’t think it would look right.”
“Nonsense!!”, she interjected; and continuing, “All the other preachers accept payment for their services. And you know the holy writings say, “not to muzzle the ox”(4) and “a workman is worthy”(5).
Paul sneered through gritted teeth, “Don’t quote Scriptures to me!” Then he yelled, “That’s it! I’ve had enough of this. I’m out of here!”
As he headed for the door he heard his wife calling after him, “Fine! Go then. I’ve heard about how you always run away from problems rather than trying to talk them out. Well you do what you want to do, and I’ll do what I have to do.” But Paul’s anger kept him from pursuing his curiosity about that last statement; and he left for his third journey around the Mediterranean.
When Paul was about halfway through his trip he began to notice that his churches were acting strange when he arrived. As he first walked in they would hand him a large bag of gold coins(6) and say, “Here, take this to your wife.” Each church he came to did the same thing; but he had a hard time getting an answer why.
Eventually he was able to piece together what had happened. His wife had sent her servant out as a messenger to all of Paul’s churches to ask for money on his behalf. This infuriated Paul. But he didn’t let on to the churches that he was upset, because they obviously hadn’t heard the whole story. All they had been told by the messenger was, “It’s hard to be poor in Jerusalem. We’re having a difficult time. Please send money.”(7) From this they assumed that Paul’s wife was leading a collection for the city’s needy. But Paul knew better; he now understood what his wife meant. You didn’t have to draw him a picture!
After thinking on it for some time, Paul knew what he’d do. He would take the money; but instead of going home with it to his wife, he would take it to Jerusalem and really give it to the poor there. That would show her!
After he finished his circuit of the churches and was making his way back home, he spent a night in prayer. “Oh Lord, remove from me this ‘thorn in the flesh’! Please take away this ‘messenger of Satan’! You know how she has disobeyed and dishonored me. Please Lord, put her to sleep.”
God answered, “No, Paul. Not this time. Three times you’ve asked Me to remove your “thorns”; but this time I’m just going to give you grace sufficient to live with her.(8) Besides, you chose to ignore My advice not to marry again. You chose to take on a high-maintenance babe. So now you just have to deal with it.” And that was the end of the conversation.
As Paul neared Jerusalem he stopped in to visit a couple of his prophet friends — Philip and Agabus. He was hoping for a little rest before making the final leg of his trip. But his friends weren’t much of a pick-me-up. Right during dinner one began prophesying against Paul’s purpose.(9)
He said, “Paul, if you insist on going into Jerusalem you will be arrested and put in jail; and possibly even worse. Change your plan. Do anything except what you’re thinking to do.”
Paul thought, “I should have known better than to visit a prophet. Somehow he’s seeing what I have in mind.” So at last he leveled with his friends and shared what was on his heart. “Through my lifetime I’ve been beaten, tortured, stoned, and left for dead;(10) but nothing I’ve ever experienced has been as bad as being married! I know that by going into Jerusalem I may be killed. But it’s worth it!! Anything’s better than going home to my wife.” So Paul continued on his way, and the rest is history.
1. Mk 10:4
2. 1 Cr 7:1, 8-9, 26, 28, 38
3. 1 Cr 9:9-15, 18
4. De 25:4
5. Mt 10:10
6. 1 Cr 16:1-4
7. Ro 15:25-26
8. 2 Cr 12:7-9
9. Ac 21:8-14
10. 2 Cr 11:24-27
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