8/17/14
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[If humans used animal courtship rituals]
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Rose stood on the sidewalk in front of Gino’s Cafe at six o’clock one Friday after work and scanned up and down the sidewalk trying to spot her date for the evening. All she’d been told to look for was a fanciful individual wearing a blue shirt.
She didn’t normally go on blind dates. But since there had been a long dry spell in her social life after sending her last suitor packing she reluctantly agreed to let an insistent co-worker fix her up with his cousin. Now that she had actually committed, however, she was having second thoughts.
She decided that if he hadn’t showed up by five minutes after six she would leave quickly, then explain to her co-worker the following Monday that his cousin stood her up. A glance at her watch showed just one more minute to wait when her attention was caught by the sound of a commotion approaching. There were gasps, laughs and even a few quick shrieks as the passers-by on the sidewalk parted to make way for an approaching spectacle.
The first thing she saw above the heads of the other pedestrians was what seemed to be a handful of short peacock feathers interlaced with silver Christmas tree garland and mounted to a straw hat which had been sprayed all over with gold glitter paint. Beneath this was an iridescent, royal blue satin shirt completely covered with sparkling sequins. Next was a pair of skin-tight pants made from lavender colored vinyl, or something resembling it, which made a loud squeaking noise with every step. The ensemble was supported by three-inch platform shoes of purple patent leather encrusted with rhinestones.
Rose pressed against the side of the cafe to let the bizarre creature wearing all of this pass, but was then struck with horror as he stopped in front of her.
“Are you Rose?” he asked. Before she could respond he continued, “Oh, good. I’m Larry. I believe you’re expecting me. Shall we go in?” Then seeming to read her thoughts he grabbed her elbow to prevent her from escaping and led her into Gino’s.
To Rose’s great relief the hostess seated them in an area at the far back of the cafe which was unoccupied except for them. She was still debating within herself whether to stay a little longer or to just make her apologies and bail out now, when Larry made a move. He leaned back in his chair and struggled to work his fingers into his pants pocket. After quite a bit of effort he withdrew a large red, glass bead and placed it on the table right in front of her.
“I brought you a little something,” he said grinning broadly.
He seemed to be awaiting a word of approval. But Rose was leery of accepting anything, no matter how trivial, from such a disturbed person. So she pushed it across the table until it was in front of him and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can accept something of such value.”
Undeterred he picked it up and, with a flourish, placed it in front of her again. “But it’s a gift, for you.”
Once more she pushed it back to him and said, “No, really. I can’t.”
A third time he picked it up and placed it right in front of her, this time almost at the edge of the table. “I insist!” he said more forcefully and with less of a smile.
Not wanting to continue this weird game all night and not wanting to make him angry or upset she grudgingly picked it up and dropped it in her purse. “Thank you.”
At this he jumped up from the table, let out a loud whoop, and began hopping and dancing in a small circle around his overturned chair. Rose flushed with embarrassment and the hostess came running in to see what was wrong.
“It’s alright,” he called to the approaching hostess. He righted his chair and sat down.
The hostess stopped without coming any closer and said, “A waiter will be right with you.”
Rose was searching her mind for a plausible excuse to bring this fiasco to an end when a waiter rushed up. “Good evening. Welcome to Gino’s. Can I start you off with a drink?”
“I’d just like a glass of water, please,” said Rose.
“No!” interrupted Larry. “Bring us a bottle of rose’ wine and two glasses.”
“Very good, sir,” said the waiter as he hurried away.
“You changed my order?” Rose said with surprise.
“I wanted to get us that wine that sounds just like your name — rose’. It could be lucky,” he replied.
“Excuse me?” said Rose as the color began rising in her face.
“Besides, it’s the man’s job to order,” he said, oblivious to her flashing eyes. “And it’s the woman’s place to accept whatever he gives her. I read that in the Emily Post book of etch-a-sketch.”
Rose no longer cared about polite excuses. She stood up, removed the glass bead from her purse and slammed it on the table. “This isn’t going to work out. Please don’t call me again.” She then stormed from the room and headed for the door.
Just before she made it to the exit she heard Larry call loudly after her. “But my cousin said you were desperate!”
Rose knew that on Monday morning she would have quite a few choice words for her co-worker. She also swore off blind dates.
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COPYRIGHT PROTECTED
