7/15/15
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Ben Dover reporting to you from the South Sphincter fair grounds where our city’s annual Bean Festival is already underway.
I’ve been here all day enjoying the dozens of booths and exhibits. Here you will find every style of bean dish imaginable — baked beans, chili with beans, refried beans, and you name it. There are creations by dozens of individuals as well as by several local restaurants. So far today we’ve seen cook-offs, tasting competitions, and musical performances by many local entertainers.
But now the air is growing thick with excitement as the time approaches for the highlight of the day’s events — the announcement of the winners of the Flatulence Contest! Yes, you heard me right. This proud festival saluting the noble bean culminates in a celebration of its most noted side effect.
Oh, here come the judges now, and they’re holding the envelopes with the winning names.
In the loudness competition, the winner of the female division is — Shirley Putin! And the winner in the male division is — Grandpa Joe Gales! Let’s hear it for them, everyone.
In the duration competition, the winner of the female division is — Wendy Pops! And the winner in the male division is — Shorty Rippen. Let’s give them a hand.
And in the aroma competition, the winner of the female division is — Molly Cheeks! The winner in the male division is — Grandpa Joe Gales. How about a big round of applause for all our winners.
Coming up next is the final face off event between the highest-scoring female contestant and the highest-scoring male contestant. This will decide the overall champion and determine who takes the grand title of Fart King or Fart Queen!
And here they come, ladies and gentlemen. Representing the female division is Molly Cheeks! And representing the male division, our returning champion, Grandpa Joe Gales.
Before the final contest let’s have a word with the two contenders. First the challenger, Molly Cheeks.
Hello, Molly. I see you’re wearing a custom made tee-shirt. Let’s see what it says — ‘Methane Molly’. That’s very clever. And can you tell us about the rest of your outfit?
“Yes, Ben. Thank you. As you see, I have my goggles to keep the fumes from burning my eyes. A face mask to provide fresh air to breathe, as well as to give a little bit of anonymity. Finally, to encourage my supporters, I’ve tinted my hair a ‘toxic green’. Go, Team Methane!”
Very nice, Molly. You have lots of spirit. But did you say you want to keep your identity secret? Ooh, I’m not sure that will sit well with the crowd. After all, they’re looking for a champion to be proud of.
Next let’s talk to Grandpa Joe. You’ve been our winner three years in a row, and you’re favored to take the title again today. But having heard from Molly, are you worried at all?
“Well, Ben. I’ll admit she’s spunky, and that’ll gain her some popularity points. Plus people like the novelty of a cute girl cutting one. But in the end, it really comes down to the impressiveness of the performance. And my well-developed intestinal flora can really deliver an awe-inspiring blast.”
Good luck then, Grandpa Joe. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, the earlier contests were gauged by carefully calibrated instruments, namely a decibel meter, a stop watch, and a sulfur detector. But this final event is judged by audience applause. The two contestants will each take a turn demonstrating their talent, then we’ll have you choose the winner by the enthusiasm of your applause. Contestants, are you ready?
“Yes. Team Methane is ready. In fact, I’m so bloated right now I’ve already lost a few pops from the pressure.”
“I’m ready, too. Grandpa Joe is always ready to rip.”
Good, let’s go. Methane Molly, as the challenger you will go first. Just back up to that microphone there behind you, and cut loose whenever you’re ready.
“Okay, here we go. Yay, Team Methane!” Fwee-eee-eee-eee-eeet, -eee-eeet, -eet.
Ooh, Molly, that was great! You’ve set the bar high. Grandpa Joe, it’s now time to do or die. Can you keep the title? That’s right, just back up to the microphone.
“You’d better stand back, Ben.” BRAAA-AAAAA-AAAAA-AAAA-aaaaa-AAAAPPP!!
Oh, my god. That was, … and the people on the front row are grabbing their noses. And the second, and even the third row! Wow! Talk about ‘shock and awe’. We’ve just seen a new meaning of the term.
So what do you think, ladies and gentlemen? Let’s hear it for Methane Molly. … Okay, that was good.
Now let’s hear it for Grandpa Joe. … Yes, just as I expected. There’s really no contest. Our Fart King for another year is Grandpa Joe Gales!
Congratulations Grandpa Joe. Here’s your trophy. As you see, the little emblem on top is a set of gold-colored buttocks. Next, here’s a check for $1,000, donated by the National Bean Council. It’s their way of thanking you for bringing attention to this wonderful food. And as a new prize this year, a special product from the Shreddies Corporation — a pair of ‘flatulence absorbing underwear’. That’s right, its activated-charcoal panel filters the odors and muffles the sound, so you can relieve yourself in public without offending those around you.
Thanks for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. You’ve been listening to Ben Dover reporting from the South Sphincter Annual Bean Festival. Here’s hoping you’ll come out and join us in person next year. Good night.
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